at a standstill it seems. House cleaning, self-cleaning, yard cleaning has come to a halt. My house is gross, my body needs some care. My yard will wait until spring. I am still fostering but think I may be done after these babies find their homes. I cannot afford the food, the vetting takes forever to get into for speutering and I am in too much pain to get seriously into TNR.

My pain is my constant companion. To top it off I know I have gained almost 30 pounds since this pandemic and food stamps went up. That of course affects my knees and feet and I am losing muscle because I don't do anything. I can tell I have lost a lot of core muscle because the muscles in my lower back are taxed and painful when I am standing to do something. There was a time when most of my exercise came from working in the yard, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, doctor appointments (it's a shame when you have so many doc appts that you can consider them exercise), and visiting the social clubs. Eating a lot of junk lately. I have so many things that need tackling that I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I am frozen with the weight and stress of the knowledge of everything that needs to be done. I spend all morning on the computer and in the afternoon I watch tv then I nap, then I wake up, make dinner, watch some tv then go to bed. Every day.

I don't know what the point of even coming here anymore is. Nobody is here except maybe three forums. They managed to cram a lot of topics that would be great shared in different places for others to feel invited to join in. I get that a lot of people are more comfortable in their niches. That's fine. I understand. It's just me.

Been researching doing some online editing or proofing but I have comma issues, not to mention I have a more casual style of writing that I had to quell during college comp classes. That will get a novelist by but not professional writings. Managed to maintain a 4.0 and make the dean's list so I must have done something right. I miss using my brain and I need to make some money from home.

I am sick of suffering from untreated depression. I know things could always be worse, I have been there, but I just feel like there has to be something that will make me feel better that doesn't involve a lobotomy. I have talked to my doc briefly about ECT which is no longer done how they use to do it, and there is also the Fisher Wallace stimulator that I would like to try but do not have the money. Going to talk to psych maybe.