Toning it down a bit. I know some have trouble reading and if you read and you do I can tone it back up a bit. I haven't been here for a while, wow almost a month I think. Am loving being off the Trintillex and though I think I did have a little bit of withdrawal there it is gone. I feel better and more often but it is good things. The pain management raised my Neurontin to 600 mg three times a day to try and see if we can combat some of this pain. I will not be getting a pain medication because I am cursed with a double whammy, I use MMJ and I take Klonopin. Both controlled substances. I would have to give one up. I could try to give up the Klonopin by using the MMJ but that would take me getting RSO caplets and at $4 a pop I can't afford that. I would have to do some major rearranging and switching up with my caregiver. Love the Neurontin as it lifts my mood tremendously and I feel more energetic and my pain in my lower lumbar is barely there while resting which has gone from 60% resting rate to about a 90%.

I have been thinking of God a lot lately. Out of the blue, well not really because I thank him often, even for the handicap parking spots that I seem to be lucky enough to get often. I believe he has my back in all honesty despite the parachute I wear on my back. I don't know why the many trials. Almost as though every tribulation has a reward we just don't know when or where it will happen. Every time my animals love me I feel closer to God and thank him for the experience of being in the life of such amazing creatures. Loving another being I think is as close to God as you can get. The more you love the closer you are. I had to pause and re read those two sentences because the first came out of no where and blew my mind and the second took more thought. I paused because I tried to think of something other than pure love that would represent the spirit of God more and for me I would say no there really isn't. I pray that my tribulations teach me empathy, patience, love, and allow me the ability to possibly help others through my experiences. Love is the whole reason we are here. Sad that there are so few who have the ability to recognize and absorb love and then reflect it back. Greed is such a terrible thing, it truly to me seems to be the number one sin that ruins all. Greed us unable to recognize and absorb love, it sees all as an entitlement and so is unable to reflect love back.

My mother always told me that God puts people in front of me to teach me patience and love and the past couple Thursdays I have been getting together with a group of other disabled people and having a themed social gathering. Yesterday we had Asian themed so spring rolls and stir fry for patients for free. Anyway I met a woman there the first time I went and we struck up a sort of friendship but she talks. Constantly, whether you are really paying attention or not. At first I was amused and annoyed at the same time but as time went on and I listened to her her story came out. She has many disabilities and besides physical seems her mind had made her almost a hermit. She is out of her box when she comes and she is starving for human, adult conversation and company. She feels so big that sometimes an event she tells about will literally bring tears to her eyes. We have become friends, the hugging kind. She has a younger woman that has befriended her and they spend a lot of time together so the three of us have made fast friends. I am going to make that my weekly ritual. Yesterday I went and two of the more popular patients came in, I unfortunately was odd man at the end of the table that happened to have a few open chairs. The talker sat right next to me and his saner brother sat across from us. I say this Lord with total love for the diversity of your people but I thought I was gonna go crazy. I stood my ground and listened to them and acknowledged that I was listening for the full two and half hours they were there. Yes God was testing my patience and my ability to love.

I could just write all day. leave the page open and just come back to it LOL. I amuse myself.