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    Seem to have

    Seem to be in a hole. I am so depressed and anxious. Taking too long to see my psych to tell him I don't think my meds are working any more. Least not my morning meds. I feel stupid because I know that I am depressed, I know the reason, I know how to combat it yet I let it take me. It takes me whether or not I want it to. Seems to just randomly hit me. I really can't say random because I know there is a thought process there that triggers each event but stopping it and controlling it is a different story.

    I am depressed and want to take down my blog. I feel stupid writing it. It's basicallly the same garbage that I was putting in ES forum. That is my self pity talking.

    I need to see my therapist but I can't get in until next week. I am going to do some research on some of the new meds. I have been taking the same thing during the day for a long time. Maybe need something different or a change in dosage times, something has to work.

    Feel like I am crazy and I don't know if that is mania talking, plus withdrawal or if the withdrawal is causing my mania. I know my body sure hurts my fibro is screaming at me.

    #2
    Sending you hugs and love. Oh, I wish I could do more

    Comment


      #3
      no chrstina, do not feel bad for reaching out no mtter how many times you do that. for one thing, i probably would not have even triedto post anything if i had not seen your posts. i have always ( since 50's age aND UP) HELD THING INSIDE. not a good ideal i suppose. i hope we both feel better. i remember how you managed with your boys and their family (older son) i remember when you had to manage your mothers health things. and you have dealt with it for a long time.
      see all i can do is blabber on without any control myself. i feel i am in a sinking boat with a paddle, just that i cannot paddle. no bucket to bail out water either.
      Last edited by joy; 09-20-2018, 05:15 AM.

      Comment


        #4
        thank you Jingle. I am feeling a bit better emotionally but physically I feel like run over dog poop.

        Joy I am so glad to hear from you, here you can have one of my paddles and I think I got a tin can in the bottom of this boat you can use. Feel better.

        Comment


          #5
          Houghchrist - HUGS and Blessings

          Comment


            #6
            Alex good to hear from you. Think of you often and wonder how you are faring. I am just dealing with the fact that I have untreatable depression. There are few meds that I have not tried. I am holed up in my house, with only my sons for occasional company. It is scary how comfortable I am staying home during this pandemic, with very little of the outside world intruding. I am not required to shower for other people LOLOL. I think I would love the hermit life. That's scary.

            I read this yesterday and the first part rang so true for me, I feel that 'stack of dishes' daily, now if I could only get to the second part.


            RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.

            When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.


            I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.


            “What are you struggling with?” he asked.


            I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”


            Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”


            I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.


            I wanted to have something more substantial.


            Something more profound.


            But I didn’t.


            So I told him, “Honestly? The dishes. It’s stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the

            dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”


            I felt like an idiot even saying it.


            What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?


            But my therapist nodded in understanding and then said:


            “RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”


            I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.


            “Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop

            giving yourself rules.”


            It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.


            That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.


            I felt like I had conquered a dragon.


            The next day, I took a shower lying down.


            A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the **** they fit.


            There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.


            Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.


            But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:


            THERE ARE NO RULES.


            RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!


            Comment


              #7
              Houghchrist - Thank You - I am in much the same place - I am scared to go out of my house, My social network is non existent - I have been trying to establish some new relationships - but still at my highmileage, Have not learned how to close the deal on forming a relationship (and no, I am NOT talking in the biblical sense - just a solid friendship). You are right , as is your therapist, there are no rules. I just lost mine, VA - got transferred and nothing against the fairer sex, he has re-assigned me to a lady, which , based on results, will not work out although I am willing to give it a go. I hope YOU are doing better, The holidays are a tough time for all of us, esp. with the Covid thing going on. I am trying to get to a healthier place, I AM a Survivor.
              Keep in touch - Did not mean to go off on a rant, and yes, I will do the dishes twice. You are oe of the few I talk to here anymore. Which is O.K. because you are Good People.

              Blessings and Prayers
              Alex44 AKA Rev. Steve-Firewalker

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by houghchrst View Post
                Seem to be in a hole. I am so depressed and anxious. Taking too long to see my psych to tell him I don't think my meds are working any more. Least not my morning meds. I feel stupid because I know that I am depressed, I know the reason, I know how to combat it yet I let it take me. It takes me whether or not I want it to. Seems to just randomly hit me. I really can't say random because I know there is a thought process there that triggers each event but stopping it and controlling it is a different story.

                I am depressed and want to take down my blog. I feel stupid writing it. It's basicallly the same garbage that I was putting in ES forum. That is my self pity talking.

                I need to see my therapist but I can't get in until next week. I am going to do some research on some of the new meds. I have been taking the same thing during the day for a long time. Maybe need something different or a change in dosage times, something has to work.

                Feel like I am crazy and I don't know if that is mania talking, plus withdrawal or if the withdrawal is causing my mania. I know my body sure hurts my fibro is screaming at me.
                sending you a virtual hug
                Dont stop writing - that helps you to speak your mind. And just continue to post - it helps too - it is an encouragement for others, i am learning with your experiences so dont stop.

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