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Thread: It has been a very long time

  1. #1

    Unhappy It has been a very long time

    Hello all.
    I am not sure who all here remembers me, I am sure there are a lot of new faces/names that don't know who I am.
    After my divorce in 2008 I just found it so hard to get back in here, life got more complicated been me who does it all including the income part.
    Four years later here I am, exosted and drained from it all. Last year I filed Bankrupcy because it has come almost impossible to work with my daughter's Rachel needs.
    I believe Rachel has Bi-Polar on top of her severe Autism, everyone else seems to think so as well.
    State drags their feet about it and promises promises promises that are empty come showering to me and I am sick of it all.

    I have been waiting for all the intervention that has been promised to me to stop the situation I am in now from happening, but it never arrived.
    Last Monday my daughter attacked me and beat me up. Called the Crisis line who called the police department who came to interfeer. I never thought this would ever have to happen here, but it has.
    I keep knifes away because in the past she has come at me with them. I keep medicines locked because she has overdosed and ended up in the hospital.
    Her now at 12, hormones have kicked in and dear God, I never thought her strangth would be this bad.
    This summer she has ended up in the ER more then once. It has taken 4 security guards plus me and a nurse and plenty of people hanging around to pitch in if needed, just to restrain her, so how on earth could I do this on my own at home. I did everything to keep my son safe and took the beating, because I love them boat.

    I feel now, and I know, that there is no other choice then to give up my parental rights on her, I can no longer keep her at home, it is not safe for her, for my son and for me. Outside of the home we hardly ever go anywhere, and if we do, is a car drive, and my son gets down and does the shopping while I wait with my daughter in the car. It is not safe for me to take her out in public. I have a harness for her and a leach for when I just have to, like doctors appointments and clinic appointments.

    I am sure some will judge me for it, I have been told yes you can do this yes you can, I CAN'T, I feel guilt yes, I want to keep her home YES, I want things to be good enough for her to stay with me, Yes, but they are not, and reality hit me hard with her poucing on me violently last Monday.

    She ended up in the ER, who transfer to a mental hospital, and after doing the intake and waiting for a doctor to evaluate her so they could admit her, for HOURS, they finally come in this room where we made to sit, and announced that the insurance company did not want her admited and they ask to make an emergency appointment with the mental health doctor, dear God, Money over our safety, how sweet.

    Upto that point, I had a tiny little bit of hope, that perhaps they could get her under control, but that was just fooling myself because deep inside of me, I known for a while now that this day was coming fast at me.

    I feel guilty, how can I give her up, I did not had kids to send them away, I had them to love them and raise them and do it all for them to help them become someone in life, now I have to face this one fact that I can't.

    My son is also autistic, in the high end of the spectrum. Due to all the attention I have to give my daughter, he has been neglected quite badly because as soon as I get Rachel under control I will get to him, but I can't no more, he needs me, I need to be a mom to him too and help him become an adult. He is so sweet and loves his sister to pieces, but this is affecting him greatly, he does not want her to go, but I have to prepare him.

    I have no idea how to do the giving up part. I have a team meeting from this clinic we just got transfered with, they do a lot of the doctor and aba and all of that. At the intake meeting I was promised all the things I have been asking for Rachel for years. And I was actually excited until I remember been here before with other places and when it came down to it, nothing much happaned. Do I have the time to wait and see if they trully will do what they say they will? I feel not, because I am no longer safe.

    I have woken up twice in the last week, around 2 am or 3am with my daughter standing above me searching me for the keys of the padlock I keep at the front door so she won't escape again (she about got runned over a couple of times because of it). I sleep with the keys on me and here she is, searching me like mad for them. I wake up at night, to hear her footsteps pacing like a caged lion, back and forth between the livingroom and the bedroom, going to the kitchen, opening the friedge, closing it and pacing some more.

    Has anyone here has ever needed to give up rights for a special need child? What had to happen in order to be done and how long did it took?

    I am starting to feel like my mental state is no longer where it should be, I feel I am all shaken up and I don't want to be like this, I want to be me again.

    There is so much, and so much in my heart and my mind right now that I would not know how to put it all in here, but I am hurting, so I leave it to this.
    Keep us in your prayers please, I keep you all in my heart.

    matika

  2. #2
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    Just wanted to send (((HUGS))) sometimes as a parent we have to make some hard choices and do what is best for the WHOLE family not just one. Praying for you and your family now. I would never judge another mother for making a hard choice support is hard enough to come by on the outside no need to refuse it to another special needs mom.

  3. #3
    Community Member mom2nfautism's Avatar
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    Default your in my thoughts and prayers

    oh sweetheart I so understand. my thoughts and prayers are with you.. I am moving tomove in with friends who are going to help me cause i am at the point i can't do this anymore as a single mom..

    you have my untermost respect, support and love.. I too have not been on here much but know I think of all of uou often. I too have been going throgh alot. my number is if you ever need to talk, cry or need someone to pray with you.

    I know the decisions we have to make are not easy but know you will never be judged for them. we do what we have to do for our children. sending lots and lots of love and hugs and suppport your way..
    Bea
    Last edited by mom2nfautism; 07-31-2012 at 08:52 PM. Reason: edited out phone # since these pages aren't private

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    Bea, you really should remove your number and send it to becky in a pm.

    ((Becky)) You sound so stressed and overwhelmed. I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Has anyone spoke to you about some sort of a residential placement? I would avoid the psych setting as much as possible, its not permanet and it can add to your troubles.

  5. #5
    Administrator/SYSOP Mike Weins's Avatar
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    mom2nfautism I went ahead and edited out the phone # because anybody could see it, and if Google happened to cache it (I haven't seen it in Google yet) it would be stored for quite awhile. You are free to edit the post and re-add your # if you wish.
    Question: Why can't I post links or pictures?
    Question: Why can't I have a signature, avatar, or profile picture?
    Question: What's wrong with my account?

    Answer: You are in the "registered users" user group. This group is very limited in what it can do. This will annoy spammers to no end Just keep posting once you have been registered for 30 days and have made 11 posts your account will be "unlocked".

    It's really easy to put someone on ignore and it's strongly recommended that you do so with people who's posts you don't like.

    Step 1 - log in
    Step 2 - click on the "settings" link
    Step 3 - click on the "edit ignore list" link on the left side of the screen
    Step 4 - type (or paste if you copied and pasted it) the username of the person you want to ignore
    Step 5 - click the "ok" button on the right of the screen

    Easy peasy and will lower your blood pressure. One important note though, this won't hide quoted posts. It's an oversight on the developers part and it's not an easy thing to "fix." So if someone quotes someone you have ignored, you'll see the quote.

    Alternatively when you click on a person's name and view their profile page, underneath their avatar, there is a option that says, "Ignore this person". Click that link and then click the yes button.

  6. #6

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    Hello everyone, thanks for your replies.
    My apologies for not commenting, I been in the hospital again with Rachel, this time was worse, she is in so much stress, my heart is broken up for her. I never thought I see her do this badly.
    I am in a battle with DDD, CPS, and the darn insurance company,, they all are pointing fingers at each other and say, no it's them who have to place her not us, and meanwhile my daughter is in a hospital setting that is not appropriate for her and they do not know how to handle it.
    I went to visit her today, was so happy to see her, but I knew it would be bad when it was time for me to leave, so it was. It was a battle, I had to pin her down on the floor as she runned down the hall with a dozen medical staff after her. She sees me and calls me Mommy and runs to me, she never calls me mommy. They sedated her.. what the hell is wrong with this people that can't seem to get it together to get the help for her.
    Either way, I will no longer take her home, I will force them to take care of her, to get her placed, I can't take any more beatings, I am bruiced all over.

    I am such a baby when it comes to her because I love her and it hurts to see her like this. Yet, I have to act thought and be strong for her and with her.
    In a way I am relieved not to have her home for 3 nights now, but in a way it's killing me just thinking what on earth she must be thinking I am doing to her by leaving her there.

    I am exosted, I will update you all tomorrow, but I do appreciate your comments. Right now, I am on my way to research seizures triggered by noise, this one thing, could be a possibility.

  7. #7
    Community Member mom2nfautism's Avatar
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    thank you for that. I didn't even think of that when i posted it for her. I sent it to her in priviate message.

  8. #8

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    Update on my daughter.
    After a long week and battling with the insurance company, DDD, and CPS, I was asked Thursday if I was still standing firm in my decition not to take her home and I said yes. At that point DDD said it was CPS responsability to place her. What the person in DDD did not know is that I had already gotten an email from another worker at their office saying CPS would do temporary placement and then they would do a permanent placement themselfs.
    After thinking all of this overnight, I received a call from the hospital that they where planning on sending Rachel home. I told them I understood they where in a bad position as the childrens floor is not a mental health setting. I immediatly got on the phone and called everyone. I finally got hold of DDD and they put me in conference with my caseworker and her supervisor and I told them, that yes, CPS would have to get involved to place her if I refuse to take her home and DDD refused to place her, they will not just abandon her there, but it its not their responsability to place her permanently, and that seen all that is going on with Rachel, it is obious that she needs placement, at least for some time until we work out her needs, therapy, medication and placing a proper support care for her at home if that is what they want her to be at. They finally gave in and said they had the paperwork there and they filled it for me over the phone, then I drove over to sign it right away. While there, lots of calls to everyone where made, and my paperwork was forwarded to the proper department. Before I left they said they thought they had found a placement for her, which it was a miracle on it'self as they thought might take almost a week, at least Monday since the weekend was getting on the way.
    By the time I got home, a grouphome was found, and I got to packing her things, very difficult to do as feelings just started flooding me.
    The group home Rachel was placed seems to be an appropriate setting. Everything I told them about triggers, habits, ocd, etc, they would said, ah yes we have someone similar, or yes we had that in the past. I was very comfortable with her placement. They will drive her to appointments, they will take her to school, they will do all that so I an concentrate on setting services for her, making appointments, taking classes, and taking care of my son as well.
    I am going to have to find a job as most of her SSI will go to DDD, which is fine, I will find something.
    This is in for a long run, Classes are backed up and takes time and $ that I don't have, so I hope they are ready to cover some of that.
    For now, I am glad placement happen Friday evening, I won't receive no calls, I can't make any calls either to any office. I called the group home last night, they said she gets a room all to her self, she was ok with the transfer, she got to explore and play outside too. They have 24 hour care so there is always someone watching them which is a relief as Rachel gets up at night and walks around in the dark. Next week will be a different life for us, Joshua starts school and I start looking for work.
    Thanks all for your responses, I am finally getting to sleep, which it was much needed.
    Blessings

  9. #9
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    My thoughts are with you that this works out for the best for everyone.

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