Questions

[alex44]

I am not sure this is the right forum for this post nut I need toKnow. My late Cynthia was transferred to amother hospital (Friday)3 mo. ago. for a colonascoscopy/edososcopy. I should have gone with her - I did not - a fact that haunts me to this day. the guilt is incredible. Anyway, I finally got to the hospital Sunday I was paralyzed with fear. On Monday. I was tol she had Gangrene in the the middle intestine and the chances of her coming off the table alive were less then 20% =she had a living will and she did not want that. Warning - what I about to say may shock you - It is a very COLD thing in addition to being a blessing. Technicnically, She had Liver disease. But I am convinced that had they caught the gangrene on Saturday, like they were supposed to, that is why she was transfwerred to a hospital 60 miles away ,I am sure a colonoscopy would have found it They asked me several times to do an override on her living will for other things, ONE which I agreed to. Anyway, Her systems were strong and it is my understanding that the Kidneys fail first. then the Liver - There are secial circumstans here PM me if you want to know -Anyway - the hospital killed her due to their neglicene. Pray for her -there is a lot more to this story but the origtinl post - I was logged out nd auto recovery FSILED to trcover the entire post. Please Pray for my Cynthia/
Blessings to ALL
Skypilot Steve

[tic chick]

hey alex ,

i found a website that deals with gangrene. it's very informative and you might find some answers there: https://www.healthline.com/health/gangrene#overview1

i know when someone we love dies, we want someone to be responsible. however, everyone dies and so it is better to focus on the way the person lived. hopefully cynthia had many happy days with you and did some of the things she wanted to do before she became very ill. the website i gave you the link to says that some medical conditions can make a person more susceptible to getting gangrene, diabetes, heart disease and drug use are among those conditions. i am sure the hospital did some tests and knew she was suffering from gangrene. they could even possible have diagnosed gangrene from a blood test. maybe that is why they sent her to another hospital because they couldn't treat her there.

alex, i was the medical power of attorney for my mom. the lawyers wrote the papers so that i had complete control over her medical treatment. my mom had alzheimer's disease and wasn't able to make any decisions. she was in a nursing home for a little over 5 years. once, i told the nursing home to take my mom to the hospital because her hemoglobin was too low. the nursing home said they usually don't send a person to the hospital unless their hemoglobin is 7.9 or below. my mother's was 8.0, just a little above. i asked the nursing home if they knew why she was losing blood. no, they said. so i said, that's why i want her to go to the hospital. i also told a hospice nurse that i didn't want her taking care of my mother because she didn't take responsibility for a mistake she made in caring for my mother. the hospice gave me another nurse.

my mom broke her hip in a fall. instead of leaving her on the floor and calling hospice, a nurse called 4 aides and told each one to take an arm or a leg and they pulled my 200 pound mother back in bed! one aide heard bone cracking as my mom screamed. they took my mom to the hospital and said she had fractures in 4 parts of her hip! i refused surgery for her because my mom told me she was afraid of dying on the operating table. she went back to the nursing home, medicated with fentanyl patches and demerol for breakthrough pain. she lived another 3 months and died peacefully. there was no point in surgery because she never would have walked again, she was not walking before she fell. i called a lawyer about this and was told i had no case against the nursing home. it is very hard to prove negligence.

so alex, it was okay for you to override cynthia's living will for certain tests. sometimes you need information to make the best possible decision. my mom also had a cancerous polyp in her colon. if she hadn't broken her hip, she might have suffered more with colon cancer because i didn't do surgery to remove the polyp, either. it was against mom's wishes.

alex, i know you loved cynthia and did the VERY BEST possible for her. she just had too many problems and it was God's will that she died when she did. maybe it was a blessing if she was being spared worse suffering, like my mom was.

maybe you can do something in cynthia's memory, like plant a tree by your home and let it be the cynthia tree. maybe you can go to the animal shelter and play with the dogs who haven't found homes yet, if cynthia loved animals. i'm just trying to offer positive suggestions. grief is the price you pay for loving someone. you will grieve for a long time. i know you want to do something, but sometimes all you can do is pray and talk to cynthia and tell her you love her and miss her.

i hope this helps, alex. my prayers are with you and cynthia and her family.

thank you for sharing and caring,
jeannie

[alex44]

Jeannie - thank You and Bless you for the comforting words. I am very sorry your Mother suffered so, I am a man of deep faith and the Lord has a plan for all of us. I am so lonely without my precious Cynthia - 25 years is a long time and I am still in shock and grieving every day. I am getting help from my Psyc. but I only see him every 3 MO.' ( isn't the VA wonderful?) I love the idea of a tree for her, Thank you and bless you. I will also have a look at the site you mentioned. Thank you for the info.
Blessings
Skypilot Steve

[agate]

Alex, I am so sorry you're having to deal with all of this sadness.

I have vast boatloads of guilt about the deaths of several relatives: father, mother, sister, 3 brothers, aunt, and especially daughter. For every one of them I think of ways I could have done things differently, maybe even prevented their deaths in some instances. For others, I could have done more to ease their passing.

But for a number of reasons that didn't happen. I don't notice people blaming me. And what's past is past. You can't go on kicking yourself. Would your Cynthia want you to be so unhappy?

My guess is that she'd want to see you moving on and finding some pleasure in life.

I like Jeannie's idea about the tree. If you have photos of her, you could put together a nice album of them so you could look at it and maybe show it to other people?

I heard somewhere that guilt after someone dies is unavoidable. We all feel guilty because we get to live and that person didn't. The trick is to keep the guilt from weighing us down.

[Earth Mother 2 Angels]

((((((Steve)))))) ~

As agate said, guilt is a common aspect of grief. It can be very difficult to reconcile guilt over the loss of a loved one, and it takes a concentrated effort to release it.

Michael passed over 14 years ago, and I still wrestle with guilt. Making the decision to remove life support (ventilation) is excruciating and carries its own burden on our hearts.

Guilt is pointless and fruitless, because nothing can be changed or undone. We can "if only this" and "if only that" forever, and it will serve no purpose other than cause us stress and depression. It definitely interferes with the healing process.

When thoughts of guilt enter your mind, push them aside and replace them with happy memories of Cynthia. Forgive yourself.

Jeannie is correct that malpractice suits are very expensive and difficult to win. I've consulted my lawyer numerous times about situations, which I felt definitely warranted a lawsuit, and his advice has always been that proving negligence in a medical case is complicated and often up for interpretation. You don't have the energy to pursue that, so you need to let it go.

My son, Jonathan, had a twisted sigmoid colon with gangrene. One of the risks of surgery to remove the colon was the potential of spreading the infection. He was 35 and otherwise healthy, so he recovered well after 3 weeks in the hospital and a ton of antibiotics.

It sounds as though Cynthia had multiple health issues, and the risk of spreading the infection may have been a factor in not doing surgery or colonoscopy.

Grief is a long process, and you are in the early stages. The first year is shock, disbelief, and wrangling with the reality of your loved one's physical absence. It's a marathon, not a sprint, Steve, so you need to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel all of your emotions. Tears are healing. Let them flow. Laughter is also healing, and it's good for you to laugh, not a sign that you are ignoring your loss. Tears and laughter release hormones, which relieve stress and help the body to cope.

Jeannie's idea of a tree is lovely. You might plant a garden for Cynthia around the tree. A peaceful place, where you can honor her and commune with her spiritually. You now must replace her physical absence with her spiritual presence. She is with you always. Be open and connect with her as much as possible, because this will ease your pain. I promise.

You are in my prayers ~

Love & Light,

Rose

[alex44]

My Precious Cynthia had a living will - As do I as well as a DNR. Hearing is the last to go. when they took me out in the hall and wanted me to override her wish's, and put her on a ventilator, I said NO. We had talked about just such a situation. I am sure she heard the conversation, She died about twenty minutes later - she was not going to have it. My thought is that a living will is a cold thing, as all her systems were healthy except for her liver, which was failing, but it was the gangrene that caused that. had they did the colonoscopy Saturday, which is why she was moved SIXTY miles away instead of tests, I have done the research and she would have had a much better chance of a bowel re-section to remove the diseased tissue not killing her (the operation) I also think her age played a factor (60) but we did talk about things and she was adamant about her wishes, I won't go in the details of what the operation would have entailed but she would not have been happy. I respected her wishes and told them to follow her Living will but the guilt of not having them do everything possible is still with me and I don't know if it will ever pass - I was with her when she died, She would Smile - a big old goofy grin on her face every time I told her how much I loved her (I did this a LOT) and I remembered a lot of Happy times out loud for her - She too earned her wings here and I am sure she is in a very special place now - no more pain, no more sorrows Just Paradise. she was the best thing that ever happened to me - we had at least 25 years together Good years and she NEVER tried to change me and vice versa - something other People I was with tried before I met her.. I am sure that is a big part of our love our love for each other - that and RESPECT. I miss her and will love her always and forever.
Blessing
May this find Everyone as well as they can be.
Skypilot Steve

PS I am having TWO tree's planted in our front yard One for her as a memorial and one for me so she can look down and know we will always be together and I am quite sure that when the lord calls me home we will be together again.
Blessings
Skypilot Steve

[alex44]

Rose and others -THANK YOU ALL I was very sasd last Night, but After re-reading a lot of the posts, Ya'll are right. My Precious Cynthia would want me to live on, and as well as I could - It's just I miss her so much and dealing with a multitude of personal problems, It is hard. I have a boarder coming, I am pretty sure, so although the idea does not thrill me, I believe we will get along just fine and it will ease some of my Stress. All this nonsence about Opiate addiction, while a lot is factual, does still not do enough to help us true chronic pain patients. I am scared to death of what my VA RNP is going to do next, she Admitted to me she was under political pressure to cut mine back and not have that and Xanax at the same time. I have twenty years of history,(printed out that shows me as a co-operative patient that has almost always followed the rules. I say almost because there was an issue with MJ, back in 2010 - I do not smoke anymore and have not in a LONG time - her notes reflect that. The guilt is tremendous but as a number of you have said, everyone wonders "Did I do all I could" and I did but still...
Thank ya'll for listening - this forum is my outlet, even my psyc. does not know me as well as he thinks he does, I plan to have a talk with him and get some more tests done and see a nutrionist, I am a good cook and love doing it but Possibly becoming diabetic scares the crap out of me so there has been VERY little sugar in my diet.
Blessing to all Hope this finds every one as well as they can be
Rose - Hang in there - You and this forum are always in my prayers
Skypilot Steve

[DisabledQuillest]

Things will get better. And remember you did what she wanted done so quit beating yourself up. I don't know what you believe, but I believe that we are all reincarnated and so we are together again in another life. But no matter what you believe, you will be with her again. And in any case she lives on through you and your memory of her. Take care of yourself.

[alex44]

Indeed we are Blessed and we will be together again - although she did NOT want too come back to the Earth Plane - she prayed that she had fulfilled her Karmic destiny - she had a hard life and we had close to 28 years together, which I treasure. Guilt - I have yet to fully plumb the depths but I know I have to move on,as I know it makes her unhappy when I get sad, we both had/have our Associates degrees in Metaphysics and are/were both fully ordained ministers. She is with me, I feel her presence, most people do not understand that, I can and do, we communicate, hard to explain but we do. Thank you for the blessed, kind words. I am still in a state of grief but I am also moving on and taking good care of myself. I know she is out of pain and in a wonderful place - God willing, I will join her when the Lord calls me home.
Blessings
Alex44
Skypilot