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I have decided God hates me....

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    I have decided God hates me....

    is that blasphemy? Probably. I have decided that my punishment is to never have any money and to always be one step from homeless. To never be able to see the ocean, have beautiful gardens, ride a roller coaster again, to have a moment when there is no pain, mental or physical, to make me helpless against all of the things I could do to help show the injustices of society, to make me physically pay for all the things I try to do to prove I am alive, and then the real kicker is to make me mentally ill so that I obsess over it all.

    I am not sure what I am being punished for. Past life, my past addictions

    Jealousy, anger, rage, tears, disgust, envy, tears. So many others. Every day. I am on this roller coaster and I can't get off of it.

    Hopefully a double dose of Klonopin will help for now ...

    Chris, sorry to read how down you are right now. the more I learn about bi-polar the more convinced I am that my son suffers from it also. if so,he's still in a manic mood!

    well that won't cheer you up now will it?

    I'm working on the next box of little things to send you can try to imagine just what I'll come up with!

    (((((hugs))))) and know I think of you all the time. BTW I saw a compost thing that turns so no need to use a shovel.


      May poorly calibrated medicines be your problem?

      I don't think that that is blasphemy, to consider what God thinks of one's self - to think that God may not be happy with one's self is being extraordinarily honest . . . . However, I have never heard of God giving anyone money. If you are Jewish, you might wish to contact a Rabbi. If you are Christian, you might wish to contact a Minister or a Priest or Nun. If you are Muslim, you might wish to contact an Imam. Each can help practically anyone understand and improve their relationship with God.

      Money is more of a government thing, rather than a religious thing. It might be helpful for you to pursue an independent medical assessment. Large governments often have employees whose job it is to help persons with disabling conditions improve their circumstances. I am unfamiliar with Michigan, so I am at a loss as to what might be worth suggesting on this matter.

      Misusing medicines may not be such a good idea, my understanding is that psychologically active medications must be used very carefully and are difficult for doctors to calibrate.

      There are many Klonopin interaction concerns (almost a thousand known ones):
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

      Here are several sites with Klonopin data (I don't know anything about Klonopin):
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...
      Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

      Klonopin apparently even has bad interactions with some food!

      My perception is that God expects us to find ways to solve some of our problems on our own but I don't know how to differentiate between those kinds and others. I am not sure if there is a clearly discoverable line.

      Good luck in your efforts to resolve your health issues.



        i think you hate yourself more than God does. if you believe in God, you know He loves all his children. I cannot imagine believing in a hating God. i don't think it's blasphemy, i just don't think your're thinking it through.

        i was looking for something to write to you about gratitude and i found something, but i didn't have time to post this morning cause it's visit my mom day and run errands day and go counseling day

        and you know, something strange happened in counseling. i was talking about something and what i learned and my counselor said i should be thankful i learned that. and she was right! but, then i thought of you and your post and that i didn't post to you what i wanted to and i think maybe today i needed that lesson in gratitude more than you did.

        chris. think about where you were 2 years ago, (i know you can do it fast with those racing thoughts , i know all about those, too). then think about where you are today. think about where you were 10 years ago and compare it to where you were 2 years ago. is there progress? are you thankful for that?

        remember, how you think is what you get back. i've talked about this with you. someone may or may not deserve your trust. when you expect them to break your trust, they either will or they won't. it has nothing to do with your expectations, but with them. when you decide to trust them, they will either break your trust or they won't. it has nothing to do with your belief, it has to do with them. but the difference is THE WAY YOU LIVE! when you live expecting the worst, of course everything bad that happens will just validate what you already felt. when you live expecting the best, good things will happen to you AND YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THEM! yes, bad things will still happen, but you will have built a mindset where the good overrules the bad. the bad will not set you back then.

        please read kahlil gibran's, "the prophet". all of it is here, on the internet at this website: Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...

        here is one verse from the chapter called: punishment

        If any of you would bring to judgment the unfaithful wife,
        Let him also weigh the heart of her husband in scales, and measure his soul with measurements.
        And let him who would lash the offender look unto the spirit of the offended.
        And if any of you would punish in the name of righteousness and lay the ax unto the evil tree, let him see to its roots;
        And verily he will find the roots of the good and the bad, the fruitful and the fruitless, all entwined together in the silent heart of the earth.
        And you judges who would be just,
        What judgment pronounce you upon him who though honest in the flesh yet is a thief in spirit?
        What penalty lay you upon him who slays in the flesh yet is himself slain in the spirit?
        And how prosecute you him who in action is a deceiver and an oppressor,
        Yet who also is aggrieved and outraged?

        And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?

        chris, you have paid for your misdeeds, yet you still feel you owe for them. when will justice be served for the misdeeds you did? never. because YOU will punish yourself until the day you die.

        do you want to live that way?

        you are a smart and sensitive person. you know where i am coming from. i know those racing thoughts. it's that feeling that you have to solve everything right now or you are a failure.

        you write about, "all the things i could do, all the things i try to do".

        what about all the things you DO?

        we are all limited in life to the corner in which we live. we can go to a different corner and help there. then we can move to another corner and do something there. but we cannot solve all the problems of the world. that job is reserved for ALL OF US!

        if you cannot have a yard garden, have a porch garden. if you can't see the ocean yet, drive up to lake huron. you can only see the horizon there, too...what is beyond cannot be seen, same as the ocean.


        plant the garden in your soul. train your mind to have no horizon. let your spirit soar as high as the roller coaster. do what you can to make your corner of the world a better place.

        see if lifting the pain in your soul lifts any of the pain from your body. if it doesn't...

        there are things even i can't answer...

        Last edited by tic chick; 09-10-2011, 04:12 PM.
        WE ARE BT!
        "The world is a better place when you're barefoot." Mark
        "Don't go there unless you know the way back." TC
        "...there will be an answer. Let it be." Paul McCartney


          Originally posted by houghchrst View Post
          Jealousy, anger, rage, tears, disgust, envy, tears. So many others. Every day. I am on this roller coaster and I can't get off of it.

          Hopefully a double dose of Klonopin will help for now ...
          Oh dear. this really does sound like a mixed state Christina. please call your pdoc!


          ~ waves ~
          Last edited by waves; 09-10-2011, 12:52 AM.
          "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery


            Wow Jeannie,

            that was SOME inspiring post. thank you. i am feeling like crap - i am in a mixed depression, can't sleep, can't stay awake, can't keep still, too tired to move, bla bla bla bla bla bite my parents' heads off at their every move and then beat myself up for the 2 hours that follow...

            it was good to read that. i needed that. THANK YOU.


            i hope it helps you too. but do call your pdoc.

            (((hugs))) to you both.

            ~ waves ~
            "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery


              if you read what i said christina, i am glad, but decided that perhaps i was too emotional myself and as usual, that is not a good time for me to try and reply. sure makes me understanding person. (hugs)
              Last edited by joy; 09-11-2011, 06:56 AM.


                Joy you know I don't like it when you post then delete. You know you can say anything to me.

                Yes Waves, Jeannie always knows what to say. Thank you Jeannie, made me cry as usual.

                Trim Tab thanks for the info. I talked to my psych later and she was fine with it as I knew she would be. I know all of my medications. I have learned to research. I have been on almost all of the Bipolar meds, antidepressants and many others and finally am on something that works to a point for my depression but I need adjunctive therapy. The Klonopin is to help me sleep by shutting up my brain enough to shut my eyes. I was taking it at one time with a dose in the middle of the day to control anxiety but I didn't like the lethargic feeling it gave me, nappy time, so I dropped that dose. My psych knows everything I have done or do and she knows how proactive with my own care and she knows I know what I am doing. Jeez is that too many knows lol. I am careful.

                Has anyone been on Saphris? I know this is new and not in the normal group of meds she would try for me but I have seen some new research regarding antipsychotics and Bipolar and she told me to check it out and see if it is something we might try. I am afraid.
                Last edited by houghchrst; 09-12-2011, 10:27 PM.


                  Dear Christina


                  did you read my post in your other thread ... regarding the mixed/agitated depression??? there were a lot of specifics in there.

                  from what you say here... it doesn't sound like you saw it.

                  in your other thread, you expressed confusion about not recognizing your hypomanic sx; here, you know all about the meds and all about everything... sounds all the more mixed to me...

                  all i can do is beg you to read my reply to you on the other thread, regarding mixed symptoms. of course maybe i am totally off base but black on white... but fwiw. and now you are talking adding an AP... well here's the thing:

                  if you have a thorn in your foot, you can take all the aspirin in the world and it will help you not to feel it but
                  1) not necessarily and
                  2) that thing is still doing damage.
                  ideally... one should try to remove the thorn .... don'tcha think?

                  throwing around "heavier" drugs like antipsychotics with potentially serious side-effects doesn't make sense to me when you are taking something (Effexor) that could be worsening your state. the other post talks about this more.

                  my personal experience with and knowledge of meds has taught me that sometimes, less is more: often you take out or reduce an "offending" drug for a period of time and tadaaaaa... things get better. if you then need another drug for stabilization, you might need LESS of it, and it might be MORE effective.

                  sorry if i sound bossy. i feel bossy. i am very irritable right now because of my own ailment.

                  no i haven't been on saphris. i am in favor of tweaking down before i tweak up, when i know that what i am taking is incongruent with my currrent state.

                  ~ waves ~
                  Last edited by waves; 09-14-2011, 02:45 AM.
                  "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery




                    fwiw, i read your post before the edit. i hope it is ok for you that i saw it. indeed it was emotional and i understand how it is being real emotional and feeling uncertain about a post, or feeling too vulnerable, or whatever else, and deciding to delete it, because i just didn't want that stuff out there, or maybe not right then, anyway.

                    thank goodness we have that choice to delete. i have used it myself time and again. we need to feel "ok" in first person, with what we have written. after all, these things are there for all to see.

                    take care sweetie. it is good to see you.

                    ~ waves ~
                    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery


                      thanks waves (HUGS) that doctor was not correct in his diagnosis. but before all that was sorted out whew, can you imagine! I will now send houghchrst a pm explaining it. after some time the subject was never brought up again. i have been very busy and had to search my name to find where i needed to reply on this one. sure does take me forever to accomplish anything at all these days.
                      Last edited by joy; 09-27-2011, 10:11 PM.


                        Well, I have to admit there's a lot of nose nos know no knows kloNOpin eNOugh . . . but you mention only one doctor . . . your doctor may be both great and right too, yet that does not address the possibility one should obtain another opinion (). Sometimes two (:ambivalence:) are better than one ()? Sometimes too many () spoil the broth.


                          I have a regular GP, a neurologist, rheumatologist, orthopedist, pain management, psychiatrist, therapist, and all are aware of each other. We all stay on top of my meds. Me actually more so than my doctors sometimes I think. I have had all of these docs for a long time and trust them for the most part. Have been avoiding that ridiculous neuro I was seeing. I do know to speak up and research and all that. If they all had their way I would be taking more meds than I am but I am not for being overmedicated and am highly med sensitive. I do need to get a psych med adjustment. It has been a while and unfortunately right now I owe the clinic a whole $70 before I can get in to see her and we are broke right now. She wouldn't take my med change request until we can talk face to face. I knew that but just wasn't thinking because I am so desperate for some relief. As soon as I hung up I realized that I should have known better cause I wanted to talk to her first regarding what Waves said.


                            Christina, I just wanted you to know I understand the feeling expressed in your first post on this thread. For me, the trigger was just stress, grief, more stress, more grief... and the roller coaster of that. I found myself feeling "punished." I was saying "sorry" to God over and over, even though I didn't know what to be sorry about. I figured maybe I was supposed to be learning something from the emotional pain, but it was so overwhelming that I couldn't think what.

                            Now that I have the leisure of looking back on that episode of my life, I can only say the quagmire we find ourselves in is not God doing anything to us. Life is hard. Period. We may draw upon strength ("God", "the force" whatever a person may want to call it) to get through it, but it is not God causing it. Just as it is not a God that is causing a child in an impoverished nation to get typhoid-- it is a bacterium in conjunction with a poor society in a socially unjust world. Some evil people, often under the guise of "Christianity" will say it is God punishing us or the parents, etc for our evil, and if only we were "true" believers we would never be sick and nothing bad would ever happen to us. Yep. They say that until it is THEIR turn to have some misfortune.

                            Sometimes the black pit looks infinite... but it isn't. We do climb out of the pit. Light does get turned on even after being in a seemingly endless tunnel of darkness.

                            And yes, we may need help getting through the darkness, whether that help comes from "better living through chemicals", a therapist, friends, family, exercise, nutrition, meditation, or whatever (usually a combination).


                              Thank you for writing this when you did, naominjw. I've had such a trying day. I needed to read exactly what you wrote. The timing is just perfect,,