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Well don't I feel stupid

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    Well don't I feel stupid

    I tell ya, after all these years and all I have learned you'd think that I would know all about my diagnosis Bipolar type II. I feel like a fool for telling this but just to show how dumb people can be. I have been talking about my diagnosis and usually explain it for me that I don't have the manic up phases mine is plateau or down. Mostly down.

    The stress level in my life is so ridiculously high that I have days where I just cry on and off all day. I can't shut my brain up. I go to another room and forget why I am there, I have difficulty with name recall. Anything from the word cup to my own name lol. Well lately it has gotten worse. Just obsessive thinking and letting things that I have no control of eat me alive brain first everyday.

    So I realize that things are out of control and that I need my brain back, what little I have left and so I once again get back online and start looking for some issues under my diagnosis and it clicks. Racing thoughts. That's my mania! My ability to concentrate for any length of time is severely impaired due to the fact that I can't slow my brain down. I have actually gone as far as discussing Alzheimer's with my psych a few years ago. That's how bad things are. Just found out that the new Vistaril I was taking was contributing to it. It's supposed to keep it under control but I can't get that lucky.

    My situational depression is exacerbated by my racing thoughts and my anxiety regarding our situation contributes to my racing thoughts. How the hell do you fix that?

    I felt so stupid. I never made the connection of the racing thoughts. Hell I didn't realize they were racing all these years. I just thought it was regular ole stress and everybody thought the same way. I spent years tossing and turning before sleep because I was busy planning for the worse case scenario if anything were to happen during the night. Every night.

    The world is scaring the crap outta me, the news is scary and depressing but with the way things are you don't dare miss anything.

    Biggest problem I have now is how to treat it. I have been on almost every med out there and right now my Effexor XR helps a bit with the depression but I want my damn head to SHUT UP!!!!!!

    I wish I was disciplined enough for meditation but I can't shut my brain up long enough LOL.

    Chris, YOU are NOT stupid!that's part of your problem,you CARE about everyone & everything. my son has tried to discribe how his brain races constantly. he can't even sit & read a book. he also said playing games helps him (computer games).

    now I'm confused why you take Klonopin? (your other post). it's for seizures & it's addictive. I was prescribed it for the myoclonus but refused to take it. is it supposed to calm you?

    not getting sleep is awful. no answer on that one-sorry.

    are you taking B12?

    I realize I'm not helpful,just wanted to let you know I care.


      you are an intelligent woman in suffering Christina!!!

      Hi Christina

      First of all yes, Bipolar II's have hypomanias - that means it is mania that is less than a week long (and therefore severity does not usually escalate).

      in your case, i am going to go out on a limb. anxiety can produce racing thoughts and bipolars of any type can get into mixed states, for instance agitated depression. For instance, in a Depressive Episode, the depressive symptoms predominate but a few manic symptoms are also present - or may come and go.

      unfortunately i am having a full dang mixed depression right now - sometimes racing thoughts, high anxiety, agitation, additional sx... irritability irascibility restlessness.

      antidepressants are ACTIVATING... tend to increase racing thoughts and agitation. now if the main problem is anxiety then some antidepressants can actually help. but if you are also agitated... physically restless... and the "stuff in the brain" seems kinda more random and skipping over itself, not just obsessing over problems - then it sounds like manic symptoms superimposed on depression. First you need to be evaluated for severity. if you are having a fullblown Mixed Episode for the first time your dx may change. they should not do this without first removing ACTIVATING drugs however, because a dx should not be made based on drug reaction. still, you need to talk to your doctor about this and may need meds tweaked!

      ASK YOUR DOCTOR if, you can reduce the Effexor to see if it will help the racing thoughts go away. he cannot take you off it in one shot anyway d/t withdrawal, but he could decrease it slowly and if things improve even try suspending it. Effexor is VERRY activating. Effexor (and other AD's) can occasionally cause a manic reaction in non-bipolar subjects, so bear that in mind. we are just more predisposed, and right now, you are not just disposed, you HAVE SX.

      I know for myself that while i can take antidepressants for "plain" depression, when it is a mixed depression with strong agitation, then, i have to "JUST SAY NO" to an AD. (And my pdoc wouldn't give me one in such a state if i pleaded on hands and knees.)

      SO, what ELSE can you do?

      i am trying to go with exercise. my main problem is "compliance." *embarrassed. it is as effective supposedly as an AD, but being so depressed i can't stand the stimuli in the house let alone outside so it is hard to literally make room for it. i realize you have fibro too... wondering if you could do still do something physical... if you have a gym near you perhaps they have water exercises? those will not tax the muscles as much, and water provides structural support, but you will still get your circulation going and have benefit. that is just an idea.

      you are not stupid. i KNOW i am not stupid, but i find myself too, "discovering" things that were "under my nose" all these years.... some things i still don't know how to solve, but also some woulda/coulda stuff... easy to beat oneself up with. but it's just spilled milk. throw a rag on it, or let the cat lick it up.

      i am so sorry you are going through this


      ~ waves ~
      Last edited by waves; 09-10-2011, 12:48 AM.
      "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery


        Originally posted by Buttons2 View Post
        now I'm confused why you take Klonopin? (your other post). it's for seizures & it's addictive. I was prescribed it for the myoclonus but refused to take it. is it supposed to calm you?
        Klonopin is a strong anxiolytic used to treat anxiety and agitated states. it is an effective myorelaxant with strong antiepileptic properties as well. yes, being a benzodiazepine it is addictive but it is a fairly common coadjuvant treatment in bipolar.

        hope that provides hints as to how it can help Christina. i hope you too are well my dear!

        ~ waves ~
        "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery


          Today I have started my supplements. I figure now that I feel worse without them that maybe they were doing some good at the time. I am so depressed and weighed down by anxiety right now that I don't even feel like showering. I don't even want to be in the rest of the house because it is a disaster area. Messes not made by me. Why don't men ever put whatever it is that they use back? Yes he cleans but he does not make a daily effort. Instead he goes on a binge then leaves it until it becomes overwhelming. I try to pick up almost everyday but it becomes frustrating when I am picking up stuff that I didn't get out and after a while I get mad and stop picking their things up. That is really huge for me too in the anxiety department.

          I have tried almost all of the meds, mood stabilizers, ADs, and many more out there and we finally found Effexor XR which has been doing good for me. 150 mg a day in the A.M. Unfortunately for me we can't raise the dose because of the Nortriptyline.

          I also take 75 mg of Nortriptyline before bed. This is for my fibro and ever since I started taking it my migraine occurrences have gone way down, my trapezius pain level went down and I started sleeping through the night for the first time in almost 10 years.

          I cannot do without either of these meds. I don't have much of anything left to try. The second dose of missed Effexor begins to bring on soul crushing depression which turns into suicidal ideation. Yeah that is going cold turkey so I am sure titrating down would be different but then what would I go to? Saphris is what she is going to try me on next and I am so tired of the way I feel I called today and left her a message so she will call me to get it prescribed.

          The Klonopin I take at night before bed because it helps to shut my brain up so I can fall asleep. Only .5 mg so it isn't much and I have gone without for short periods of time and suffered no nasty SEs. She wrote the scrip originally to be taken twice a day but they made me tired so I quit the day dose. Now I only get enough for the month. Though my insurance will fill it a few days before I run out so I am rarely out unless I don't pick it up. Maybe I should go back on my day dose. That 1mg was perfect to get me through the rest of the day when I had my "breakdown" lol. Yes they can be addictive but so are all of my pain meds so it is not a concern for me really. I know my capabilities :o.

          I will ask about mixing and ask if maybe I have been taking Effexor too long. I do have a tendency to have meds poop out on me so it wouldn't surprise me.

          There are what I can remember taking. There may be a couple I don't remember. My head is full of a whirlwind of memories and thoughts.

          Geodon this was the worst of them all

          Zyprexa she doesn't want to try because of my weight and it's tendency to cause hunger. Not too sure that leaves very many.

          I dread the thought of changing of meds but I can't live like this.

          Thank you guys for the support


            hey chris !

            here is an excellent website for supplements and stuff: Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register... if you click on the "micronutrient center" you can find listing of supplements to read about that might be helpful for you. i do feel better on supplements also, especially vitamin d3, a slow release vitamin c, biotin, chromiun picolinate, and only the dha part of fish oil pills ( i found with the epa mix in it, i tic more, so i found a brand that has very little epa, mostly the dha) and then a general multi-vitamin with no iron. my doctor seems to have no problems with these). remember to tell your doctor the supplements you are on.

            yes the klonopin does make you tired in the beginning of usage. i'd say within 1-2 weeks you should be over that. i take four, 1mg. tabs a day, usually 2 in the AM and 2 before bedtime. sometimes i will take one in the AM, one in the afternoon and then 2 at bedtime, cause i am usually pretty calm in the morning, it's just as the day wears on that i get more stressed and seem to need that afternoon calm. i was dog tired and sleeping when i first started taking them. then i got used to them and now i don't even nap much in the afternoon unless i didn't sleep well the previous night for some reason or had to get up early. i am alert and calm throughout the day.

            tell us how or if the saphris works.

            chris, this anger at your physical condition is eating you up. yes, i know you want to move without pain, but i'm sure the mental anger contributes to the physical pain. you write about feeling angry, resentful, etc. yes, you have the right to be angry, but you can't be angry your whole life. when you have time, please read that kahlil gibran website and click on the sections titled, "pain" and "self-knowledge".

            as i talked with you about attitudes of trust, saying that you can choose to trust or not to trust, but people will do what they want...what choosing to trust does is make the difference in how you live and your mindset.

            now i'm not trivializing your pain or saying it's going to go away if you change your thinking, BUT the same lesson goes with pain as trust. you are going to be in pain no matter what you do. and i know you have gone on and done things and worked thru your pain or ignored it when doing those things and then paid for it later. but i also know the moments of happiness you expereinced when you worked thru the pain and did what you wanted to do, like worked in the garden of your son's school.

            i see nothing wrong with that.

            you have to accept your pain and work with it. if you don't do anything because you are in pain, you will still be in pain and in the house.

            if you work through or ignore the pain and do what you want, you will have moments of joy and feelings of accomplishment. yes, you will feel pain after and maybe more pain than usual, but AT LEAST you will have enjoyed the moments when the pain fell away and the happiness took over.

            you can't give pain so much power over you. choose to think you have power over your pain and control over it by doing something for yourself instead of doing something for your pain...notice the difference between these 2 sentences. "i'm not going to do anything today because i am in too much pain." and "i choose to rest my body and soul today so that tomorrow i might have more strength to do something i want to do." one gives your pain power over you. the other empowers you to choose what to do about your pain.

            i am sure you heard the phrase "stinking thinking" while on your road to sobriety. try and change that thinking for your pain, also.

            there always are 2 ways of thinking about something!

            i know i am not a perfect person and i don't have all the answers. i just have a belief system that however you live your life is the way things will come back to you. there is nothing wrong with thinking postively on a generally negative subject. the negative doesn't go away, but it starts having less power over you. i think maybe you might find some books about buddhist philosophy helpful. start with short, easy to understand books. it doesn't make you less of a christian to read about buddhism or adapt certain ideas to parts of your life.

            the mind is the last great frontier. inner space, not outer space. understanding, accepting and positivity. that's what i believe.

            i think you underestimate yourself, chris. you're determined and intelligent. can't beat that combination.

            just my humble life philosophy,
            WE ARE BT!
            "The world is a better place when you're barefoot." Mark
            "Don't go there unless you know the way back." TC
            "...there will be an answer. Let it be." Paul McCartney