Dpression - Is Flat Better

[alex44]

Hi All - I sm bringing the question here because this feels like home. I am deeply depressed and suffer from Major PTSD (VA Diagnosis), Still Grieving my late wife and am getting counseling and drug therapy. Only problem is, I take 10Mg. of Lex-Pro and emotionally, I am Flat - as in No more or little crying, But no Joy in life either. I am a CP patient and Pain is somewhat controlled - So I don't know what to do - Deal with being flat emotionally - no joy, Not much sadness no desire to be with someone anymore, I am in counseling and the Lex-pro, but I am wondering if I need to see a different doctor and get off the anti-depreant or just let things ride. It is hard to function, I do have a VERY supportive neighbor who is helping me to curb some things (My Drinking) she is an angel who cares but now I am flat with her and that was not the case previously. the old saying "still waters run deep" is very appropriate here. As I said I am at a loss as to my next step. any advise is appreciated
Alex44 AKA Skypilot Steve My Faith sustains me so I am NOT in any danger Esp. since I did kick a lot people that I pray for totally out of my life I have seen the darkness in this small town and REFUSE to have anything to do with it - I don't have much company but that is OK - I only Hang with a few people now and I do not go to any Bar's, etc. anymore.

God bless everyone and hope this finds every one as well as they can be.
Blessings
Skypilot

[houghchrst]

oh Alex I am so there. I suffer Bipolar II, I have no ups. I have low and plateau, numb. More low than anything. I am taking Effexor, Gabapentin, Latuda, Klonopin with some Pamelor for my fibro which quite frankly has turned out to be a godsend. As for the rest I often wonder during my crying jags and misery if any of it is still working. To be thruthful the Latuda when it was originally added was wonderful. But with that you have to have so many calories in you when you take it. Do I find something to laugh at during the day, I have animals so that would be a fat yes. I stay away from the news as that brings only anger and more depression. Find something to do that you enjoy. Do you have any old hobbies, besides drinking lol, that you use to do? Maybe start a new one, something simple to do everyday. do you enjoy music, listen with your eyes closed and dance. I am lucky as I have many animals that make me laugh everyday. They give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning, they make you laugh, give you motivation.

I am so sorry Alex, I hate the plateau, the numb, it is almost as bad as the depression. It is almost like a different level of depression, another jail.

I am happy you have found a friend to share with and who has your best interests at heart. Share your numb with her, do not leave her confused by your distance. You may have an ally.

Feel better friend, I know it is hard, but in your next happy, smile moment know I am sending it to you.

[alex44]

Houghchrst - THANK YOU - You have a very good grasp of my situation, I am seriously considering coming off the Lex-Pro as I want to feel again, esp. after my latest VA visit. My RNP told me my situation, and what a blessing, she did not "Dumb it down" as she knows I research and am knowledgeable about my Medical condition. Found out my "Hobby" as you put it, will probably put me down - so I have already cut back, but the truth of the matter is, is a few extra years worth it? I am already in pain, what with the Nephropathy, Arthritis. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia, and a bad back L5-S1 going, Make no mistake, I want to live life to its fullest, but what with every thing going on, and the loss of my Precious Cynthia, I am relying on my faith to sustain me. and it is. I will endure until Spirit calls me Home, I have already made Important decisions, as in NO surgery, No Chemo, No Radiation. Hospice took very good care of my Sister in law and I am sure they will do the same for me. I am a lover, not a fighter, but I want to get the most out of life that I can. That said, Thank You again, as we have talked in this forum for a many years now and I am getting tired, BUT I am trying to live each and every day to it's fullest, My Neighbor, well, we will see, as she seems to have jumped ship on me but not before teaching me some valuable lessons, we shall see. Blessings to You, I hope you feel better, as I remember. You are a very vibrant Artist with talent - I still sing and dance when I can(not so often these days but I still give it a shot) - Freedom comes from expression,thru dancing and singing and Artwork - I am sure you know the feeling.
Blessings
Alex44
AKA Skypilot
P.S. My cat Smiley says Meow, As in hello, He does talk to me as only animals can. He is a blessing = when I can, I will post a pic. He keeps my spirits up - he knows when i am down and will curl up beside me= talk about un-conditional love = he is it.
Blessings
S.

[tic chick]

hey alex!

when taking paxil for depression at different times, i also noticed that these antidepressants do not make you feel happy or sad, they just keep you on an even keel. i call it the "i don't give a sh*t" plateau. i think when you are depressed to the point of taking antidepressants, you do need a break from feeling so low because you need to use the time to go to therapy, get to the root of your problems and set goals so you don't slip back into depression when you stop taking the antidepressants.

as you know, your problems will not go away whether you are on or off antidepressants. all they do is hopefully buy you time to figure out what to do next. i am glad you are choosing therapy. i'm sure you know that it's advisable not to be in a relationship when you are still drinking. i have a saying that has helped me deal with many situations. it is "nobody can love you more than you should love yourself". to me that means that people have to do things for THEMSELVES, to make themselves better. they can't change their behavior because they are in love or to please others. the only way to beat addiction is to love yourself enough to do it for you!

i support you in finding a way towards sobriety and recovery. i was married to an alcoholic for 34 years before we separated. he drank before he met me, then quit a year before we got married. he stayed sober for about 20 years, but never went to therapy to get insight as to why he drank and so he never was really in recovery. he started drinking again and in about 5 years, was drinking heavily. we separated in 2012 because it hurt me so much to watch him not care about himself and he started to do things that were getting on a "slippery slope" of being not right, you know what i mean? he started having medical probs in 2015, a-fib which is a heart rhythm problem. he was in the hospital under a medically induced coma while detoxing then. he retired and started eating...another addiction.... last year, 2018, he died from a massive infection after quadruple bypass surgery. he was 77. our 3 children and myself were devastated. i have been dealing with that. then my favorite dog died in june last year. i also had major surgery at the beginning of last year. i am ok and the surgery was good for me.

i'm not taking any antidepressants, like i said, because they'll just put me in that i don't care mood and my problems won't go away just because i am on pills. so, i am walking thru this, one day at a time, going to therapy when i need to and feeling all these sad, angry, grief, why? feelings. it's been a rough year. i am coming to some peace in certain areas. nothing will ever be the same though, you know that, alex.

continue to find things to do that make you happy! come to peace with what you can. let go of what you can.

peace be with you,
jeannie (tic chick)

[alex44]

I have stopped using the anti depressant meds and am already starting to feel better. Thank you for the insight into what it takes. My neighbor is my best FRIEND, we both came to the conclusion long time ago that we are better off as best friends rather then; we'll , you know. This works, she is seeing somebody I know,we all had dinner tonight and we all had a good time. I left shortly after dinner to give them time together I think this is grand. I am working hard towards abstinence and I have a good support network as well as the VA psyc. I see. It is hard but I have cut back w/ the goal of abstinence. If you do not step into the arena, you will never know Victory of Defeat. I have faced many things in my life, I want to be the Victor, but it is not an easy road esp. After losing my wife of 29 years,I still grieve her but I know she would want me to carry on. Thank you for caring. Blessings
Alex44
AKA Skypilot Steve

Stt

[houghchrst]

Hi Alex was wondering how you are doing without the psych meds. Do you still feel better? My meds are finally all caught up so no more withdrawals. I swear it seemed to be a once a month thing. Just brutal. So I am at a plateau with dips into depression. Especially money and pain. I still get angry about my pain. I am halfway through my morning trying to do housework and the simplest tasks are pain wracked after a short period of time and I often break down at how stupid and unfair it seems. Maybe it is not unfair necessarily. I keep thinking I did something in a past life to deserve this, maybe I was a horrible rich person who frittered away my life or what I was actually told is that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now and that I am perfect in all my imperfections. That makes me feel better. I miss church. I miss parts of church. I miss the message, our pastor is wonderful, a woman and they are a Science Of The Mind based church. Just being in the church, any church makes me feel.......sad and closer to God. I cried every Sunday for my first 6 months there. Had a lot of invites to see Reverend Stephanie as she saw me back in the back quietly crying. Saw her once, told her my life story in fifteen minutes, asked some questions about the belief system as the concepts were new to me. Still kind of are. Not sure if maybe I need a different church, because I like pieces of the belief system I am still on the fence about other parts. But I am not into angry bible thumping boring hour long sermons. I do not believe that God lives in a church but there is something about being in one that speaks to me. I use to go and just sit in the pews during the week and read or meditate.

Okay, enough. I hope you are doing well.

[alex44]

Thank You for the wisdom you bring. I have had to back on the A/D'S to keep my sanity. I guess you could say that I suffer from "Survivors Guilt,in
Essence because I did not do everything I could have done to save her, I was in shock over what happened. I am working to get better and am working with my therapist although the VA is constantly trying to cut my meds,(pain and anxiety) which I am fighting, thank you for your concern. This was written a while back
Update
I wish I had seen your post sooner , houghchrist, as I restartrd the AD and you are absolutely RIGHT in that in it leaves you in "I don't give a ++++ Mode. I am once again going to taper off, My Doc. wants me to be totally Abstinent, That lasted 21 days, I fell, A promise of outpatient help from the VA - WORTHLESS - have not heard a word So I have it somewhat under control, Have cut back a LOT, not easy but I drink less now then anytime in my whole life. Same with physical Therapy. I had a recent bout with Pneumonia, did a z=pak, am still weak as all get=out. Still waiting on a P'T referral. I KNOW I have only me to blame for my problems and I own my past bad behavior. I am not a victim and won't be, I wanted to move back to florida but in todays climate with Opoid's, No telling what would happen so I am staying Put. I am going to keep pushing for P/T, still working towards abstinence but I wonder if I am being unrealistic????? I am getting older, I am Diabetic now, I am still weak My faith is sustaining me right now I am a survivor. How are YOU doing? as well as possible I hope. let me know - as I do care and will pray for you - we have both posted for years now,
Blessings
Alex 44 AKA Skypilot Steve

Blessings
Alex44
AKA steve(Skypilot)

P.S. Hope YOU are doing Well.
S.


not do everything I could have, done to save her life,as I was in shock,,and the local hospital (known as the morgue) did not do everything they could, and I was not here until it was too late. This

[houghchrst]

I tell ya what Steve, I am sure you did everything humanly possible. That is what you are after all. You cannot demand that God change his plan. God wanted her. You served your purpose which was to be there at her side and care for her as God intended you. Agonizing I know, heart breaking, seemingly unfair to you both; you are doing well not to be one of those that rails at God for his cruelties. Some times I cry to God why but I know as I am saying it that it is more of a statement than in inquiry. I don't expect the answer yet. We will get our answers when we are by his side.

The way they are really beginning to treat these medications and the patients is a travesty. They think they can control it through the same way they have always fought drugs and wow we know how that works. In the meantime the pills go black market, internet or people go to other countries and I can't even imagine the amount of people that turn to heavy drugs or alcohol to self medicate and patients lose their proper medical care. I don't have a solution, maybe start applying lie detector tests for prescriptions for pain pills and psych meds. Honestly I would not even object. I have nothing to hide.

Your battle with the bottle as they like to say is doing better that is definitely something to be grateful for. I reread our posts and yes music is definitely great therapy, I have been trying to get in some everyday and I will sing at the top of my lungs and dance around doing what housework I can. I have also found fostering animals to be very fulfilling.

do you have any pets. you know they make wonderful therapists also.

[alex44]

Houghchrist - Thank You - Blessings and Happy Easter = Too much Info - Why I took it down - Starting over, Happy Easter
Alex44 AKA Skypilot Steve
Easter - For he is Risen -The Bible