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  #11  
Old 02-02-2008, 03:34 PM
Fancylady Fancylady is offline
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Mark I don't post every often, but wanted to say, "I am so sorry to hear this". You are so right to just let her do her own thing. Also, with the kids. It's sad, but maybe she will realize this isn't what she wants after all. I'll say a prayer for all of you. Big hugs coming your way!

Fancylady
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  #12  
Old 02-02-2008, 07:14 PM
LindaQuilts LindaQuilts is offline
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Mark,
I am so sorry to hear this. I'll keep a good thought for you, which is probably all most of us can do.
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  #13  
Old 02-02-2008, 07:42 PM
Mark N Mark N is offline
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FancyLady and Linda, thank you for your support. Your good wishes help keep my spirits up. Thank you
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1979 spinal issues, 1993 lumbar microdisectomy L3-4, 1996 360 3 level lumbar fusion L2-5, 1999 open thoractomy fusion T8-9,
2002 C3-7 herniations and T4-7 herniations, 2004 total disability, a new limited life
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  #14  
Old 02-03-2008, 01:19 AM
Gimpy Gimpy is offline
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Mark - I'm sorry that this has happened. She has pulled your chain for far to long, even though I know you'd rather have her with you. Hang in there, no matter what, it is never easy and your emotional pain is very real. I will be thinking of you.

Big hugs Mark,

Linda
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  #15  
Old 02-03-2008, 02:36 AM
GJZH GJZH is offline
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Mark,

Sorry to hear this...

There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better...I think our spouses can not handle living with us and our health problems...My husband just lets loose every now and then with saying something mean ....I often wonder how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and we would walk away...I probably would not since I have toughed it out with my husband through a sickness and never brought it up ever..Fortunately, he got well though he still allows his illness to control some aspects of our lives....I never complained or mentioned it though until now that he brings up mine...

I hope your children can handle this...Our children are stronger than we realize and understand more about the situation than we think...I am certain your children will stand by you...My kids are always here for me...they are more understanding than most people...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...She may come around after being on her own for a while ...She may realize what she is loosing...I just sat this weekend with my son and his wife and told them both that marriage is about the good and the bad times and you just do not leave because things do not go the way you thought they would...Things can always turn around...What seems insurmountable today, does not seem so bad tomorrow...so maybe she will find her way back...Do not lose hope...
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4/06 - Lumbar Fusion - L1, L2, L3, L4, L5, S1
Anterior with cages and Posterior with rods and screws.

8/17/05 - Cervical Fusion - C4-5, 5-6, 6-7 - Anterior and Posterior Fusion with plate in front and rods and screws in the rear - Corpectomy at C-4 and C-5 and microdisectomy at C6-7.

1/4/05 - Lumbar Laminectomy -L3, L4, L5, S1, S2 Obliteration of Tarlov Cyst at S2. Failed surgery!


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  #16  
Old 02-03-2008, 02:48 AM
gizmogirl gizmogirl is offline
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Mark, I just feel so sorry for your wife. Life with you is the best she will ever do. I have seen more than one guy see mortality in a wife's wrinkle or grey hair and take off, but it never really makes them feel younger, so I know that no matter how hurt you feel right now, the one who is really losing right now is her. If I weren't married happily, I'd consider the affection and thoughtfulness you have given in this bulletin board better than most marriages ever get and far preferable!
Well, the one thing that you have, that I doubt she has ever had, is the ability to take satisfaction in what you have done well. So, even if you are often miserable because of how she has handled problems, at least you can take deep and lasting satisfaction in how good a job you have done with your kids and everybody else in your life, like your friends.
Your kids need you to be not only there for them, like you have always been, but to show them that it is possible to be sad and hurt by someone, yet still love and worry about them. And that the only way one can feel all this simultaneously is by knowing that no matter how bad it might be today, there will be a day down the road when you wake up and the sun is shining, and you don't feel half bad, because the first time you double over that day will be laughing at something silly one of them says or does. They need to know that those are the moments we live for and that sustain us, so they themselves can handle the occasional disasters that life throws at us. Just living through this will arm your kids with an example that will save them from ever experiencing the hell your wife has put herself and others into. She might find someone or a lifestyle to help her ignore reality, but how will that prepare her for mortality?
I suspect that in time she will learn from this, but if she has done something so drastic, I am not sure how soon it will be. Why are so many people limited to a small range from their original expectations? It's certainly true that in her wildest imagination she didn't expect to have the life she got. So you can sort of understand her shock at how life throws curveballs. But, she'll have to get lucky to get past this without saddling herself with more problems. There'll come a point when you hope she doesn't figure it all out, and DOES just get lucky and find a way to ignore reality enough to get by.
How are you going to get enough attention to keep from wishing she were there? We all need a little attention, right? Can you get out often to church or other locaron where you can visit with others?
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1994 broke neck: misdx'd tendonitis! '97 titanium C5-7. Disability sez DX unclear! '99 neck pain worsens & headaches. 2003 jaw, neck, sinus inflammation to meninges & veins pop. Brain damage & daily agony! TMJ doc's mouthguard worse! 2010 Grindcare: PROVED diagnosis, REDUCED nightly clenching & daily headaches > 80%! PROVED not migraines (1-4% mis-dx'd?) Pain killers, Botox, muscle relaxants, help only temporary! EVIL to market Botox to bruxers - Grindcare cheaper, 100% sure dx, & works.
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  #17  
Old 02-03-2008, 03:33 AM
Laura Laura is offline
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Mark,
I am so, so sorry. I can truly understand the hurt and betrayal you must feel. I believe that some people do not have the capacity to deal with the stress of a loved one's illness. At least that is what I feel was the case with my ex. It is their shortcoming, not ours. They are missing a few tools in their toolbox.

On the other hand, I also think that when there are serious problems in a marriage that sometimes the only way to get any kind of realistic perspective on those problems is to leave the situation for a while. As long as we are caught up in the day to day drama, mired down with all the emotional muck, we can't get a clear handle on what is going on and what we really want. For some people, having that time for an emotional breather, provides a new clarity, which may lead to a reconciliation......... or confirmation that the marriage will not work. I truly hope in your case it will be the former.

Teens like to play that they are tough and that nothing phases them. I wouldn't buy it. Whether sooner or later, it is going to hit them, and they will experience their own struggles with coming to terms with the split-up. But the best way that you can help them is by taking good care of yourself. And it is really hard....... trying to be strong and sensitive to what your children need when you are feeling so devastated yourself. Ask me how I know this.

May God bless you and your family. And again, my deepest sympathies. My heart goes out to you. No matter what happens, I promise, not only will you survive, but you will be stronger for it.
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  #18  
Old 02-03-2008, 03:49 AM
Shanti Shanti is offline
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What an awesome man you are! If only all adults could act like an adult when it comes to things like this. The kids need to be top priority. What a loving father you are.

Even though we don't know each other well, if you ever need an ear...I'm there

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark N View Post
I want to thank each of you for the care and support you give me. It really helps me deal with this as I flip back and forth right now. A times I really miss her and other times I am angry about what she is doing. I will come to terms with what is going on and keep an eye on the kids. They know they can make any choice with their mom and I won't put them in the middle. My son needs to decide how much he is going to let her be a part of his life. She used to take him to school every morning so that is one decision he will make. He will also have to decide how much time he will spend at her apartment and how often he wants to go. I know I will do the right thing for the kids and not let my hurt get in the way. Thank you so much for your words as they encourage me.
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Love & Health To All,
Shanti (Find me on MySpace & Facebook)

DX's: L4/5 herniation ('98), DDD, DJD, T11/12 herniation w/endplate changes & 10% wedging/focal kyphosis/canal stenosis, cervical spondylosis C4-6, endplate changes L1-S1, L4/5 reherniation ('08), L5/S1 canal stenosis/central herniation ('08). Surgeries: Failed L4/5 IDET ('99), Failed L4/5 open microdiscectomy ('00), L4/5 TLIF (April '08).
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  #19  
Old 02-03-2008, 07:23 AM
simby simby is offline
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((mark)))))))))))))))))) ))))
just wanted to send you a hug.

hugs,
sims
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  #20  
Old 02-03-2008, 11:23 AM
Mark N Mark N is offline
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Linda, thanks for the kind words. I can accept that things will work out the right way.

Gloria, I won't lose hope and I will be patient so she has time to seek treatment and decide if she wants to come back. My kids are doing fine, I think because this isn't anything new for them. Thanks for the prayers, you are right about marriage and accepting the curve balls you get.

GG, thanks for the words of support. I am unable to get out for more than 15 minutes at a time so isolation is one of my concerns. I do keep up with family and friends over the phone and the computer.The hardest thing to accept isn't what she is doing but how she is doing it. I am dealing with it though.

Laura, thanks for the blessings and concerned thought. I have talked to both kids and will keep an eye on both of them. They have dealt with this for almost as long as I have so they are doing fine for now. Her last counselor pulled me aside and told me she might not be able to live with my disability.

Shanti, thank you so much for your kind words.

Sims, a hug is just what I need this morning, thanks.

My son and I am doing fine today. I am calming down and accepting the situation. I know she needs some space to realize she needs help and to get it. If she comes back she will b in treatment and allowing us to be ourselves. Thank you all for your care and concerns. Your prayers are a blessing for us.
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1979 spinal issues, 1993 lumbar microdisectomy L3-4, 1996 360 3 level lumbar fusion L2-5, 1999 open thoractomy fusion T8-9,
2002 C3-7 herniations and T4-7 herniations, 2004 total disability, a new limited life
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