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Old 11-14-2006, 11:55 AM
lmb3 lmb3 is offline
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Default GF - Family Parties

Okay - I am getting really frustrated!! My DH's family has been really great in 'trying' to support our GF lifestyle for the past 7 years now. However, I have this issue with my sister-in-law lately. She is having a birthday party for her son this Saturday. I RSVP'd as requested and let her know at that time that I wanted to talk to her about the dinner, as usual. (I left her a voicemail.) I have tried calling her back for 2 weeks now and have not left her any messages because I wanted to talk to her and not her machine.

I called her again on Monday night and left a message that I wanted to talk to her about the party. I have yet to hear from her and mentioned to my DH that if she doesn't call me back this time, I and our GF kids will not be going. He didn't have anything to say to this (which usually means he will back me up, but quietly ).

What is the proper etiquette for something like this? I have made many attempts to talk to her and even though we did RSVP that we will be there, is it okay if we don't show up?

If you were having a party, wouldn't you be kind enough to call someone back if they had a question about the menu? And a family member at that!! Am I over-reacting??
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Lisa Celiac Disease
Kara-Lactose Intolerant, ADD, Mild Hypertension, Possible Gluten Intolerance, DQ2
Michael-Mito Dysfunction, Neurological Celiac Disease, Gluten Ataxia, Cerebellar Atrophy, Essential Tremors, CoQ10 Deficiency, IgA Deficiency, GERD, Osteopenia, DQ2, CAPD
Ellie-Celiac Disease, DQ2 & DQ8
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  #2  
Old 11-14-2006, 01:20 PM
annelb annelb is offline
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I think family members can be the worst to deal with.

Would it help if your DH tried to contact her. Is there no time you can catch her at home - late or early? If you have left messages, and she has made no attempt to contact you, that is rude. No, you are not over reacting in my book.
Anne
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  #3  
Old 11-14-2006, 01:30 PM
MotherMoon MotherMoon is offline
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With any party, I bring all our own food. I cannot depend on anyone being correct about what they assume is gluten-free. It is very rude though for her not to return a call no matter what the situation.
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Old 11-14-2006, 02:15 PM
lmb3 lmb3 is offline
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Thanks you two for the confirmation. If this wasn't an immediate family member, I would take our own food as usual. However, I have provided a detailed list (updated yearly) of safe GF food to all immediate family members (sisters/brothers/parents) and they have always provided a good GF menu for us and have been willing to work with me for all occasions. I think that I am just upset that she hasn't called me back after almost 3 weeks and I feel that she isn't taking this seriously this time around. Maybe she feels comfortable enough with things, but I don't think that I ever will feel comfortable enough with other people preparing my food (besides other Celiacs that is).

She doesn't work and is a stay at home mom with 3 kids under 5 and is pregnant with #4. I would think that if she has time to organize a birthday party for her son, she would have 2 minutes to talk to me on the phone! Well - it looks like my Saturday afternoon is free now.

Thanks!
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Lisa Celiac Disease
Kara-Lactose Intolerant, ADD, Mild Hypertension, Possible Gluten Intolerance, DQ2
Michael-Mito Dysfunction, Neurological Celiac Disease, Gluten Ataxia, Cerebellar Atrophy, Essential Tremors, CoQ10 Deficiency, IgA Deficiency, GERD, Osteopenia, DQ2, CAPD
Ellie-Celiac Disease, DQ2 & DQ8
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  #5  
Old 11-14-2006, 04:23 PM
jcc jcc is offline
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Hi Lisa,

It is a pain in the butt that food has to cause these sorts of issues for us .

Tough call. I always bring food along, too, even if "back up" food... just in case there isn't anything we can have. My side of the family has been very generous about providing gf food, and the other side sort of relies on me bringing my own... however, they have made attempts to have things we can eat...read labels, save labels for me to read, etc. I always have food along, though, no matter what...just in case.

Returning calls is a whole 'nother issue. I am annoyed when family members don't return calls. What about email??? Are they better about that? Some people don't even listen to their voicemail. I know I am guilty of this...sometimes we go days without even noticing we have any.

hmmm....
Quote:
I have tried calling her back for 2 weeks now and have not left her any messages because I wanted to talk to her and not her machine.
Fair enough, but you can't be upset with her for not answering messages you didn't leave . She may not check her caller id.

You said you called her again on Monday night... is that last night or a week ago Monday? If last night... I'd call again tomorrow if I didn't hear from her. I think it is a little premature to call it over yet.

If she
Quote:
is a stay at home mom with 3 kids under 5 and is pregnant with #4.
it is quite possible she isn't even thinking about the birthday party yet. Sometimes people live day to day, and don't plan a Saturday party meal until maybe Thursday. She might be one of those, and when she is ready to 'think about the food', maybe you will hear from her??? Some people are advance planners and others are not. I can certainly understand you wanting to know about the food weeks in advance, but you may have to work within the confines of the host's timeline. If someone wanted to know about the food I was planning weeks in advance, I'm afraid they would be equally disappointed. I'm often thinking up the menu just a day or two in advance . I have a sister who does it in less than 24 hours.

If she's provided gf food in the past, I'd try to cut her some slack... and maybe you will hear from her a few days before the big party. I think you might be over-reacting maybe a tiny bit?

Cara
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Last edited by jcc; 11-14-2006 at 04:39 PM.
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  #6  
Old 11-14-2006, 04:56 PM
mistofviolets mistofviolets is offline
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If she has 3 kids under 5 AND is pg with number 4...she may be a tad bit overwhelmed! A SAHM does not necessarilly have extra time on her hands. Making a phone call may not be a priority (believe me...there are many times when I go "Oh, yeah..." pick up the phone and realize its 10 o'clock at night...or later. Not a good time to call someone!

And she may not have the menu planned yet.

Do you want to go and wish nephew a happy birthday? Then go...and if it turns out dinner isn't gf, slip out before it starts. Its not necessarily a faux pas to not arrive after rsvp'ing yes; but you should have a good reason or be ready to seriously apologize. And, it would be pretty bad if she'd gone an extra mile for you, and you don't even show up.

I tell people not to worry about me...and not to count on me. But...I'm still working through the healing process, which plays a big part. And I don't trust them...I'm allergic to too many things. Even when it was "just corn".
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  #7  
Old 11-14-2006, 06:40 PM
jamietwo jamietwo is offline
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I wouldn't even count the message you left 3 weeks ago! Maybe one of the kids played it or maybe her dh played it and forgot to tell or maybe she played it and forgot. Remember pregnancy brain fog? LOL! We even had a problem with our machine recently where a friend left a message (I was upstairs and heard her voice through the machine), but the machine didn't record it!

If you decide not to go, I would let her know ASAP, so she doesn't go to extra effort to provide GF for you.
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  #8  
Old 11-14-2006, 10:27 PM
aklap aklap is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lmb3 View Post
I would take our own food as usual. However, I have provided a detailed list (updated yearly) of safe GF food to all immediate family members (sisters/brothers/parents) and they have always provided a good GF menu for us and have been willing to work with me for all occasions.
Hi Lisa,

Yeah, family members can be the hardest to deal with at times. Been there done that . If you enjoy hanging out and spending time with them...take whatever food you need to take to be safe...and enjoy the time with family. If they make GF food for you as well...I guess they should've called you back

On a side note - I think updating that list sooner than yearly would be a good idea. Formulations change change quickly and often times without notice - which would make your list outdated. If they are going solely by that list you give them [and not reading the ingredients and don't know how to look for hidden gluten], you might run into a problem.

Good luck!

Last edited by aklap; 11-15-2006 at 12:47 AM.
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  #9  
Old 11-15-2006, 01:27 PM
lmb3 lmb3 is offline
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Thanks for all the feedback. I would think 2-3 messages would be sufficient however I can see your point. I have been pregnant 5 times and I know what it is like. It is no excuse to not call back a family member unless you are extremely ill. She is also one to plan a party 1-2 weeks in advance.

At any rate, I suppose I have to remove my emotions from the situation. I will just have to suck it up and work something out. I can't exactly slip out with 5 people. That would be a little ackward. I will see what I can do.

Al - Thanks for the suggestion on updating the list more often. We check things out weekly, so I should at least send them an updated list - maybe monthly or every other month.

Thanks for listening guys. I think I just needed to vent my frustration for a bit.
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Lisa Celiac Disease
Kara-Lactose Intolerant, ADD, Mild Hypertension, Possible Gluten Intolerance, DQ2
Michael-Mito Dysfunction, Neurological Celiac Disease, Gluten Ataxia, Cerebellar Atrophy, Essential Tremors, CoQ10 Deficiency, IgA Deficiency, GERD, Osteopenia, DQ2, CAPD
Ellie-Celiac Disease, DQ2 & DQ8
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  #10  
Old 11-15-2006, 06:25 PM
jcc jcc is offline
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Well, back to it is a pain in the butt that these things are even issues for us . And family...well, ughh... can be difficult!

Cara
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